I see so many clients who tell me that they KNOW that their partners love them but they don't FEEL loved. Different people have different ways of expressing love but your way may not match your partner's. You both think that you are showing how much you care but you both still feel that something is missing. You can improve your relationship through understanding your significant other's love strategy.
We all have different ways of feeling loved. For some, it can be hearing those special words in that certain tone of voice. Or you may like to be touched or given gifts. Or spend time together or have little things done for you.
When we first fall in love, we tend to do all those things – we tell our beloved that we love them, whisper sweet nothings in their ear, praise, touch and caress them, spend intimate evenings talking and dreaming. We might be walking past a shop and see something we know they’ll like so we buy it as a surprise. We do things for them.
As time passes, we each drift back to doing what we know makes us feel loved. And that’s when the problems start. If hearing the words, ‘I love you’ makes you feel warm and tingly then that is how you will demonstrate your love for your partner. If, however, your partner feels loved when they are given something special, then your words will just feel like words to them.
If you feel loved when your significant other does something unexpected for you, while they express love by rubbing your back, then you are likely to feel that there is something missing in your relationship.
Some of us know what makes us feel loved. If you don’t, start to become more aware of your feelings – what gives you that warm glow? Ask yourself how do you show love to others; what do you ask for most often; what do you feel you are missing in your relationship; what do you complain about. The answers to these questions can help you to identify your own strategies. Ask your partner what makes them feel special and loved. There is a quiz online at http://edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage which will help you and the others in your life to identify your strategies. This quiz is based on the book ‘The Five Love Languages” by Dr Gary Chapman which is well worth reading if you want to learn more on this subject.
According to Dr Chapman, there are five main ways of feeling loved:
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Words of Affirmation – complimenting your partner, saying how good they look or telling them you love them.
Words of Affirmation – complimenting your partner, saying how good they look or telling them you love them.•Quality Time – spending time together, doing things together.
Quality Time – spending time together, doing things together.•Gifts – these don’t have to be expensive. Often a small gift or card is enough to convey your love.
Gifts – these don’t have to be expensive. Often a small gift or card is enough to convey your love.•Acts of Service – doing things for the other person. This could be something small like stacking the dishwasher or vacuuming the car or it could be something more creative. Whatever it is, you need to do it from a sense of love and not obligation.
Acts of Service – doing things for the other person. This could be something small like stacking the dishwasher or vacuuming the car or it could be something more creative. Whatever it is, you need to do it from a sense of love and not obligation.•Physical touch – stroking a hand, a back-rub or a hug will show your love.
Physical touch – stroking a hand, a back-rub or a hug will show your love.So, to keep the spark in your relationship (or perhaps rekindle it!), find out your partner’s love strategy and practice acting in that way towards them. Encourage them to do the same for you and notice the difference in your relationship!
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