DifficultRelatives

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mindmastery

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Have you got a relative that you aren't looking forward to dealing with this Christmas? Or perhaps, it's more than one? One of the best pieces of advice that I've heard recently was from Oprah Winfrey who said that the single best way to cope with familial turmoil is to give up the hope that your relatives will suddenly become cornucopias of emotional health....You invite inner peace when you stop trying to force yourself either to change your relatives or to think of them as sane.

You've still got to get through the day or - in some cases where they may have travelled to stay with you - the week. Here are some ideas to help you cope.

1) Define your boundaries. Remember that you have to set your own boundaries of what is acceptable to you in relationships and what is not. Decide beforehand on how you are going to assert yourself if those boundaries are overstepped and take action before you start to feel upset. You have the right to relationships that are healthy.

2) State your boundaries, preferably before you see the person at Christmas. When talking to the other person use "I" statements e.g. "I feel upset when you ... " If this behaviour has been going on for a long time, the other person may not believe that you are serious at first. Just let that person have their reaction, and then re-state your position, calmly. If you have difficulty in asserting yourself, then visualise yourself being assertive before you speak to the other person. Mentally rehearse the scene, using all of your senses to fully create it. While you are doing this, visualise the other person's possible reactions and your replies. Be sure to state to the other person what the consequences will be if they overstep.

Sometime it can help to mentally cut the emotional ties of the old relationship. Just visualise the other person standing in front of you and then see the ties of energy that bind you together. Become aware of how that relationship drains the energy from you. Then see in your imagination, a sharp blade cutting the ties and the other person floating off. Mentally re-absorb the remains of the ties into your own body and, as you do, feel all the enrgy returning to you making you strong enough to deal with a new relationship with that person in the future.

3) Be sure to stick to your boundaries. As soon as the other person oversteps your new rules, let them know that they have done so, calmly. Remind them of what you have said and that you are serious about this. If they continue in their behaviour, then enforce the consequences. This may seem difficult but it is better, for example, to ask an abusive person to leave than to let them remain and possibly start an argument or spoil the day for others.

4) Don't allow the other person to use guilt to manipulate you. If they start to do so, be forthright and bring this into the open by asking “You’re not trying to make me feel guilty, are you?” The other person will probably deny it, but will keep on doing it, possibly without realising what they are doing. Keep breaking the pattern by asking questions like, “Why do you feel it necessary to use guilt as a tool of manipulation?” or “You must really find this upsetting if you feel it necessary to try to make me feel guilty to get what you want. Can we try a more mature way of discussing this?” Don't let yourself start to feel guilty. Try to remain objective and compassionate by recognising that the other person may feel powerless in this situation.

5) It may be time to look at some of your relationships and think deeply about them. If you believe that you must be loyal to your family, then that is your choice. But your highest loyalty is to yourself. If your family is continually bringing you down, it may be time to consider how much time you really want to spend in their company. If you only see these people at times like Christmas, then the best thig to do is to let the negative feelings go.

7) It is said that a verbally abusive man came to see the Buddha and starting hurling insults. The Buddha just sat there calmly. At last the man asked the Buddha why he didn't reply to the abuse. The Buddha answered, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” Try mentally refusing to accept another person's anger, abuse or taunts.

Sometimes, visualising yourself ecapsulated in a protective bubble that the abuse bounces off can be helpful. Or imagine that the other person's negative emotions have a colour and shape and see them being repelled by your protective bubble. You can mentally erect a wall between yourself and the other person that shields you. While this is all in your mind, remember that you cannot control or change the other person - you can only change your perception of what is happening and these exercises will help you to do that. You can only be hurt if you leave yourself vulnerable. While you are doing this, recognise to yourself that this person probably feels a lack of love and happiness in their life.

8) Sometimes, you know how another person is going to react in certain situations. If you change the way you handle the situation, then you can change the other person's reaction. Gladeana McMahon has written a wonderful arcticle on how to identify some personality types and how to neutralise their effect on you. You can find her article at

How to Deal with Difficult Relatives over Christmas

9) If your relative loves to talk and you have difficulty in getting in a word of your own, try to get them talking about something that you are also interested in. Just listen to them for a while. Most of the other people present will be aware of the situation so get them to take a turn listening. Don't feel that you are responsible for the talker's happiness so when it all gets too much, just find something else that you have to do and move away.

10) If you're dealing with somebody who believes that they are always right and they are always telling you what to do and how to do it, try praising them. Ask them to do something for you and tell them that you are giving them this important job because you know they'll do it right.

11) Then there is the person who loves being the centre of attention. Again, praise works well. Be sure to ask their opinion on something and they will enjoy the feeling of being appreciated.

12) Remember that you have a responsibility to yourself. Try to let go of the stress by getting in touch with the physical feeling - give it a colour, a sound, a shape. Recognise that the feeling of stress is not you - you are separate from this feeling. Then try to move the feeling around your body. Take it down your arm and into your hand where you can blow it away or shake it off. This exercise takes practise but it works! Or close your eyes and imagine that you are on holiday - mentally take yourself to a relaxing place. When things are getting too much, go for a walk. Fifteen minutes of being on your own, away from those annoying relatives, can give you the energy to cope with the rest of the day.

Have a Great Christmas!